So you want to get into real estate . . .

by Rob Dundas

The views expressed in this column are solely those of the author.

So, a guy walks into a job fair . . .

You know the kind, every booth has somebody dressed entirely too smartly and who looks like they’re desperately seeking advancement through corporate service.

There are signs everywhere, “Become a welder!, Become a nurse!, Become an engineer!, Become an accountant!”

They all seemed a bit mundane to the man. He’d worked nine-to-five jobs and it was time for a change. It was time to become somebody.

Out of the blue, a sign catches his eye.

BE SOMEBODY — BECOME AN AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER!

“Now that sounds like an important job”, thinks the man. “I always wanted to be important.”

He moseys over to the booth and a handsome fellow greets him with disturbingly white teeth and an unmistakable air of confidence and asks, “So, you wanna become an air traffic controller, do ya?”

Fame and fortune

“I don’t know. Is there any money in it?”

A gleam forms in the frontman’s wayward eye, “Oh buddy . . . There’s LOADS of money in it. Mountains of money. And fame. There are airplanes everywhere,” He exclaimed, waving his hands in the air. “Everywhere. And every time you land one . . . cha-frickin-ching!”

“. . . fame?”

“Certainly! Magazine covers, your face on grocery carts and bus benches. People you’ve never even met pretending they’ve known you for years . . . a walking celebrity.”

The man thought that sounds pretty good. So he asked, “What would I have to do?”

“Well, you start by getting this sort of . . .college certificate thingy.”

“College?”

The education trap

“That’s right. Don’t worry, it’s online.” He lowers his voice to a whisper, “It’s supposed to take two years but most people finish in about six months. Plus, all the stuff they teach changes every couple of weeks anyway, so it doesn’t matter, if you catch my drift. And there are cheater websites for all of it. Child’s play.”

“Great! So, I get an education AND I learn how to land airplanes?”

The man shakes his head and laughs, “No, no, no.”

” . . . no?”

“No, son, the course doesn’t teach you how to land airplanes. And the certificate is essentially worthless unless you are planning on landing planes.”

“Then . . . what does it teach me?”

“Fundamentals! Paperwork and rules. Laws, my good man. A bit of ethics, I suppose. Oh, and how to fill out forms. You need to know how to fill out forms in case you land a plane, or don’t land a plane, or are planning on landing a plane . . . that sort of stuff.”

“Oooookayyyyy. So, how do I learn to land airplanes?”

“You’ll figure that out.”

Learning by doing

“Figure it out?”

“Yeah.”

“With actual airplanes?”

“Sure.”

“Do I get a simulator?”

“No.”

“Practice runway?”

“No.”

“Instructor?”

“Goodness, no.”

“So, my first airplane . . .”

“Yep.”

“Is my actual first airplane?”

“Pretty much. But don’t worry, most of the time your first airplane has a family member on it.”

“Whose family?”

“Yours.”

“Wait. What-in-the-what? The first airplane I land, when I don’t know how to land airplanes, has a family member aboard?”

“You bet! Usually, a very close one. It makes communication with the plane easier and gives you an incentive to succeed. Being an air traffic controller is not for the weak. Fortune favours the bold, friend! Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out.”

“Alrighty. That’s a little terrifying. How do I go about finding other airplanes?”

“There are airplanes everywhere. Big ones, small ones, rickety ones, luxury ones. There are some we’ve been trying to land for years and just can’t get them out of the sky. They’re flying all over the place day and night with no guidance systems or ground support. That’s why we need more air traffic controllers.”

“Do some get assigned to me?”

“Of course not.”

“How do I know which ones are mine?”

“You don’t. You just go find one and try to land it.”

“Find one?”

“Yep.”

“Where?”

“I told you, they’re all over the place.”

“So, there are plenty of airplanes for me to find?”

“Oh ya. Lots and lots.”

“Are there many air traffic controllers?”

“Thousands.”

“Thousands?!”

“Thousands and thousands.”

“But everybody gets airplanes to land, right?”

“Not at all. A lot of air traffic controllers never land a plane. Then again, sometimes a lot of you are trying to land the same airplane at the same time.”

“What?”

“It’s competition. You know, so we land enough planes.”

“Isn’t that dangerous?”

The unforgiving market

“Absolutely! Very dangerous, especially for the passengers. Confusing too. But if you’re looking for an exciting job that promises a never-ending flow of adrenaline, and the potential to strike it rich, this is the job for you.”

“Let me get this straight. I would be competing with a bunch of other people . . . who also don’t know how to land airplanes?”

“You got it, chief. But if you bring one in . . .cha-frickin-ching! The world’s your oyster.”

“And.. the person who lands the most planes the fastest wins?”

“Now you’re getting it.”

“What happens if I don’t land one?”

“You don’t get paid.”

“I only make money if I successfully land airplanes?”

“There ya go.”

“But I don’t know how to land airplanes.”

“Bingo.”

“And if I screw one up?”

“Then you can absolutely get sued.”

“By who?”

“The aviation industry, of course. And the victims of the crash and their families, but you pay for limited insurance against that”.

“Hold on. If I mess up I can get sued by the same industry that never taught me how to land an airplane but gave me a licence to land an airplane because I took a bird course on how to do the paperwork on how airplanes land?”

“Correctamundo. You’re already an expert.”

“That’s . . .a little different.”

“Nah! It’s all good. Fame and fortune.”

“But, if I get into trouble, there must be somebody I can turn to for help.”

Management knows best

“Absolutely! We have air traffic control managers.”

“Oh, thank God. Experienced air traffic controllers! The best, most successful ones, right?”

“Ha! Hell no. They’ve never landed any airplanes, at least not many. They’re fantastic with statistics though. They know exactly how many airplanes landed last month, the average landing time, weather patterns, runway usage, bird migration routes, regional crash statistics, jet fuel prices. All that stuff. And charts? They’ve got charts! They’ve got graphs, and colour-coded spreadsheets. You can actually put your name on them so it looks like you prepared it yourself. It’s pretty cool.”

“Why would I need that?”

“To show the planes why you should be landing them.”

“But I shouldn’t be, I don’t know how to.”

“Meh, it ain’t that hard.”

“And I get this information to give to planes from people who have never actually landed planes.”

“Some of them have, but we need pie charts, and pie charts don’t make themselves.”

“What are they for?”

“So the airplanes know you’re serious.”

“The airplanes care about pie charts?”

“No, the management does. Try to keep up, will ya?”

“What you’re saying is, management is NOT made up of the best air traffic controllers?”

“Bullseye! The very best air traffic controllers are landing planes and making lots of money. Managers make squat. But there’ll be a few landing experts, top guns, at whatever air traffic control station you decide to work at.”

“Now we’re getting somewhere. So, I learn from the pros who are still doing it.”

“Not really.”

“Why not?”

“They’re busy landing airplanes, Jack. Plus, they aren’t there to babysit you. You would be more in their way than anything. In fact, they will likely land a lot of planes that you think you’re landing.”

“Back up. So, the people who know how to land planes the best are too busy to teach me how to land planes and they will be trying to land the planes that I want to land?”

“Now you’re getting it, guy. The good news is, sometimes the ones who land the most planes let you team up with them.”

“Awesome! Then I get my own planes to land, right?”

“You know it! Not 747’s or anything. More like the ones you build as a kit in your garage.”

“I’m down with that, but then ‘cha-frickin-ching’ and fame, right?”

“No, if you do that you can scratch the fame and fortune part, but you get to see lots of landings and even assist with some . . . and you can possibly make a fairly average, but fragile, living.”

“As much as a welder or an accountant though, right?”

“You’re a funny guy. This is a profession of adventure and opportunity. As an air traffic controller, you write your own pay check. Can a welder do that?”

“Sort of . . .”

“Of course not. Who wants a job with a salary that makes you punch a clock? An air traffic controller doesn’t punch a clock, they’re available 24/7. Always landing planes, always searching for more, always out there creating their own destiny. Always on the go.”

“There isn’t a salary?”

“Don’t be silly. We need people who want to earn their living. Big thinkers. People who want to get rich, plane by plane. Pioneers. Self-sufficient go-getters. This is a very important job. People’s lives depend on us.”

“Oh.”

“We don’t let just anybody do it, you know.”

“It kind of sounds like you do. As long as I get the college whatchamacallit, that isn’t a transferrable education, I’m in, right?”

“Wrong. You have to get the College doodad AND be able to pay the fees.”

“I have to PAY?”

“Absolutely.”

“Why?”

“Do you have an air traffic control tower?”

“No.”

“Landing strip?”

“No.”

“Well, you need those to land planes, don’t you?”

“I suppose, but I don’t think an accountant pays to be in an accounting firm. I’m pretty sure the accounting firm pays them to be there.”

“And that’s exactly the small thinking that will keep them being accountants their whole lives.”

“I see. Small thinking and a salary means you’re not a winner.”

“Righty-o. So, do you want to sign up?”

“Let’s go over this one more time. I go to school and don’t learn how to land airplanes, then I compete against a lot people who also don’t know how to land airplanes, and some people who really know how to land airplanes.”

“Give the man a cigar.”

“I only get paid if I land airplanes, my manager has possibly never landed an airplane, and every year . . .”

“Every month.”

“Ok, every month I have to keep paying just so I can continue to try to land airplanes, and I can get sued if I don’t land one properly.”

“Or if you crash one.”

“Air traffic controllers crash airplanes?”

“All the time.”

“Even the ones with family members aboard?”

“Especially the ones with family members aboard. It’s their first try, what do you expect? But hey, if you’re going to make an omelette you have to break some eggs. But after that . . .”

“I know, fame and fortune.”

“So, what do you think?”

“I think it would drive me to drink.”

“It sure will! We do a lot of that in the industry . . . in fact, we’re kind of lenient on it. Most control towers are pretty well stocked.”

“How much do I pay for that?”

“Nada. We give you that.”

The man stood there quietly for a moment. He looked over at the welder booth, then the accountant, then the engineer.

“So, who taught you?”

“I figured it out.”

“And now you’re trying to recruit me?”

“Ding, ding, ding.”

“How well stocked did you say that control tower was?”