When family says no: Rethinking rejection from loved ones

If there were a list of things that offend agents, it seems that being passed over by a friend or relative would be near the top. It’s a common beef on online real estate forums, where agents often share their resentment and outrage about people close to them opting not to use their services when buying or selling a home.

But why isn’t this mindset challenged more within the industry? Can we flip that script? Having potential clients choose not to mix family, friendship and business tends to be more the norm in other fields, where boundaries around hiring loved ones rarely raise eyebrows. In some cases, such as in medical practice, restrictions in this area are even heavily enforced to protect objectivity.

“Clients should never feel obligated to use someone simply because they know them,” states Remax Canada president Don Kottick. “When someone chooses a different path, respecting that decision, remaining a trusted resource, and protecting the personal relationship will always be the right move.”

Says third-generation Century 21 broker Katelyn Fulton, based in Toronto: “Real estate might be the only profession where we’ve normalized the idea that a relationship owes us the job. Nobody expects their cousin to automatically become their accountant, or their college roommate to handle their divorce just because they happen to be a lawyer. We’d find that strange. But in this industry, an agent finding out their aunt listed with someone else gets treated like betrayal instead of a normal, reasonable decision.”

That said, a sold sign with someone else’s name on it is visible in a way that “my cousin didn’t hire me for taxes” is not, Fulton concedes.

“The sting is real.”

You can’t force the transition in a relative’s eyes from being ‘the kid who spilled juice on my carpet in 1998’ to a trained professional they’d trust with their biggest asset.

“That updates through repeated, visible proof,” says Fulton. “Be patient with the timeline. It’s not personal. It’s just physics.”

Sitting on a referral fee

No one is denying that having a strong existing relationship with clients is a huge plus. Generally, these situations go well, experts maintain. But they require strict professional boundaries and emotional control. These may be tools in your kit that still need work, if not getting hired by a friend sends you into a nosedive.

Those close to you may want privacy around financial and other details, or find fiscal conversations easier to navigate without an existing personal tie. They may be protecting the relationship, not wanting to risk losing it over a hard negotiating stance. They may need specialization or neighbourhood connections that you can’t offer, especially if you’re a new agent. They may have been burned before and now have a blanket rule about not mixing money and relationships. They may simply feel that another agent is a better fit.

If they’re relocating to another city or province, their decision is often about geography.

“It’s a referral fee for you sitting right there,” says Fulton. “Reframe it that way.”

When you lose out on being hired within your close circle, give yourself 24 hours to be upset, Fulton advises. Then figure out why you weren’t picked and learn from the experience.

“The agents still venting about this in forums two years later are the ones who skipped this step,” she says. “Either it genuinely had nothing to do with you and it’s time to let it go, or it had everything to do with you.”

Did you ever directly make the ask? Was your follow-up inconsistent? Was your marketing plan hasty? Did you talk more about your listings than their needs? Did you pressure, overwhelm or disrespect them?

In Fulton’s view, a lost listing that exposes a hole in your game plan “is worth more long-term than the sale itself.”

Professionalism is always key

If you do get asked to work with a friend or relative, treat the relationship with the same professionalism as every other relationship, and put everything in writing. Skipping paperwork “because we’re family” is where these deals go sideways, Fulton notes.

She also recommends giving close-circle clients “a safe island” around their finances.

“I don’t need their full financial picture. That stays between them and their mortgage agent. All I need from them is the approved budget and the deposit amount. That way they can be honest with their lender without worrying it’s going to come up at the next family dinner.”

If things start to feel unmanageable, involving a co-agent or stepping away may be the best professional safeguard, advise both Fulton and Kottick.

Keep in mind that generally, regulators across the country have financial disclosure requirements when agents work with relatives and close personal connections. “These regulations can vary by jurisdiction, so agents should understand their obligations,” Kottick counsels.

Rules also may extend to not being allowed to answer family or friends’ questions, even if they’re representing their own interests. In Ontario, for instance, real estate agents are no longer allowed to provide advice to self-represented parties.

Always be gracious, including when those close to you choose another agent. People will remember how you react. Staying professional often leads to future referrals. Don’t let one transaction damage a lifelong relationship.

“Real estate has always been about relationships,” says Rafia Shetye, an eXp agent in the Greater Toronto Area who’s also a licensed child and youth counsellor. “Why would we let a transaction come between one we already have? What’s meant to be will be. I love the opportunity to work with the people I care about. But at the end of the day, relationships last longer than transactions. And that’s what truly matters.”

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